12.18.22
It’s cold outside this morning, a chilly 10 degrees and the moon, a fuzzy sliver of light high in the sky suggests a cold day is in store for us again. Odd weather really for this time of year. More what we see in January than the middle of December, but we have no choice to but to deal with whatever Mother Nature throws at us.
Part of me enjoys waking up to these chilly mornings. The ritual of hurrying into the living room to light a fire in the stove that gives the instant gratification of warmth. Letting the dogs outside for a roam before they come back in to lay contentedly in their respective spots in front of the fire. The sound of Darrell’s coffee pot bubbling away and the hiss of the kettle letting me know a hot cup of tea will soon be sitting at my side. These cool mornings make one appreciate such little things.
This has been quite the hectic past couple of months what with the holidays approaching, now a mere week away until Christmas morning dawns. I sometimes feel a tad guilty as after diligently making soaps and lotions, bath bombs and all manner of other wares in preparation for holiday shoppers, I ply the trade of a hawker to promote and sell my goods. Trying not to be like the large supermarkets that bombard you with advertisements left right and center, months before Christmas arrives, I still seem to toot my horn quite a bit and sometimes that bothers me. Yet my faithful customers do not seem to mind and in fact I have had more than one comment on how they look forward to my “Early Bird Specials” as they themselves start to think of holiday shopping!
Yet sitting here this morning I glance across at the settee beside me and other than a few remaining bags of peanut brittle at one end, the settee is clear. No boxes piled high, no bags filled with soap and lotion orders awaiting shipping or hand delivery. It is clear. Someone could actually sit down in comfort on it for a change! This year, my packages filled with all manner of goods, were regularly taken down to the post office to be shipped off around the country as so many customers got their Christmas orders in early. So now, as this hectic season starts to wind down, I feel as if I can take a breath, stop for a moment and reflect on what this season is truly about. For as much as I love the hustle and bustle of making my soaps, felting the fuzzy ones, baking my Christmas cakes and making our now quite popular peanut brittle, it is good to just sit here and relax – and yes, write!
The past few days I have had what I call a dicky heart. As you may recall, after my second COVID jab two years ago, I came down with myocarditis that has left me with quite an interesting arrythmia! It has steadily worsened although as yet not to the point of cardiac interventions. Thankfully, my heart is extremely healthy – other than my funny little beats – so my body is able to tolerate my condition quite well, but dicky heart days make me feel exhausted. Darrell tries to keep me under house arrest although I insist on coming out to help him feed and of course there is Heidi to milk. Otherwise, I have been pottering around the house, baking, stoking the fire and generally being a bump on a log. Not an easy thing for me to do I can tell you!
I am sure the stress of the past few weeks has triggered my body into slowdown mode. Forcing me to do just that by exacerbating the tap-dancing heart in my chest. I will listen to it. Stress can come in so many forms and often it slips up on us, enters our body and soul without warning, without even giving us a clue. When asked, “Are you worried about anything? Are you under stress?” the answer is always a resounding “No!”, for indeed I cannot think of anything causing me stress or worry. “Well, not really,” I tell myself. “Not that I know about that is.” I whisper. “Absolutely not!” I repeat. Yet how do we ever really know what stress is? What form does this insidious feeling take? Do we always really know? No, we do not.
Sometimes when I wake in the wee hours of the morning, finding myself lying there wide awake with no idea why, I run through my mind a simple question, “What is on my mind? What am I thinking about?”. As I lay there, I start to go over all the things which my subconscious might be dwelling on, each little nugget I find coming to the forefront I ask myself, “So? What can you do about it?” I look at it, examine it, decide if I can fix it or not. If I feel I can fix it, I make a mental note and move on. If my mind decides it is not fixable, I tell myself to let it go, to move on for now. After a while of contemplation, I find my mind becomes more at ease, more still and I am often able to fall back to sleep… but not always, not always.
As I sit here this morning, the dogs laying in front of the fire, Darrell by my side with his coffee cup freshly filled, my next cup of tea on the brew, I glance out the window to my right and see the dawning begin. The dark silhouettes of the tall pine trees stand out against the bands of light on the horizon, gold, peach, orange, mauve fading into a soft dove grey. It will still be a while before the sun makes an appearance, but to me, just seeing that brightening of the sky is joyful and yes, fills my eyes with tears. As I sit here watching the colours change, my heart seems so settle into a more regular beat. Life has a way of challenging us, sometimes in unknown and very unexpected ways. Yet if we look to the little things, the inevitable things, the simple things in life, such as the dawn of a new day, it can take that foreboding feeling of stress sitting on one’s shoulder and shrug it right off. It is a beautiful day and how blessed we are to see it.
