4.28.24
I was not planning on writing this morning, in fact had no intention of even opening the computer, but just as I sat down with my first cup of tea of the day my mind must have had other ideas. This past week has been, let us say, challenging. A very emotional week that has made me look deep inside myself. I examined dark corners in my mind where doubts and fears lay hidden away, lurking in the shadows yet ever ready to suddenly reappear. As I spent time slowly opening up and peeking into these cupboards and crevices in my mind, I found the urge to sweep old cobwebs away and clear out spaces where those doubts and fears prowled.
Now this is by no means an easy task to do. Just like a good spring cleaning in your home one wonders where to start but once started one finds it hard to stop! Funny thing is, once I made up my mind after much dithering and dallying about that a good cleaning was in order, I got cracking and the job was soon underway. I hasten to add I still have a good bit of scouring left to do!
I have never felt I was a very strong person. Oh, I don’t mean physically, I am plenty strong in that department, I mean I have never had much self-confidence. It was not until I met and married my dearest Darrell that some improvement came in that department. He is my Rock of Gibraltar. Yet despite some improvement, I still have my doubts and fears about my capacity to stand strong when adversity hits.
Not too long ago I wrote a story about the Keeper of the Crosses. Of late, that story has been in my mind a lot and it has given me strength during times when I feel weighted down by life and am feeling sorry for myself. I may feel I have a heavy cross to bear but must remind myself there are those out there carrying a much heavier load than me.
A while ago I more or less decided I would not be able to continue on with the chronicling of my life story, too much was going on that made me doubt myself…. and others. The urge to write seemed to have abandoned me, I felt lost in a sea of uncertainty. Now, I am finding a compulsion inside me to continue that story. It is important. Will I be able to start writing right away? Maybe not, but at least the tinder has been rekindled. It may take a while to burst into flame but that is okay.
Today I must be thankful for the day to come and the days ahead. Feel gratitude for every little thing in my life and most of all for the dear man sitting beside me. The Serenity Prayer is strong in my mind this morning…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change what can be changed, And the wisdom to know the one from the other.
